THE LIVING SAINT OF SINGAPORE
One day, Lee Kuan Yew told Goh Chok Tong, "Go overseas, anywhere, for a fortnight and let my Son be Acting Prime Minister. He hasn't done so for some time and we must constantly remind the people that he is next in line, not Tony Tan."
So Goh went to
As Pope John Paul II was showing him the Sistine Chapel, Goh gazed in wonderment at Michelangelo's "Creations of One Man" and said aloud, "You know, there's nothing I want so much as to be a Saint."
"Miracles are not unknown in our Ministry," replied the Pope. "But first, you would have to take the 3 Vows: the Vow of Obedience, the Vow of Chastity and the Vow of Poverty."
"Wow," said Goh. "That's hard."
"But in your case, not impossible."
"How so?" asked Goh.
"Well, you do obey everything that Lee and his Son tell you, don't you? Isn't that Obedience?"
Goh exclaimed admiringly, "You do have the deviousness of a Yong Pung How. But what about the Second Vow?"
"Since Lee and his Son make all the decisions and you cannot object or reverse them, doesn't that make you impotent and therefore satisfy the Second Vow?" asked the Pope.
Again, Goh wondered. "But what about the Vow of Poverty? All we PAP Ministers are multi-millionaires, you know..."
Pope John Paul II chuckled and asked gently, "Doesn't Lee Kuan Yew constantly berate you for the Poverty of your Mind?"
"I see..." said Goh. "But still, I want to be a Saint while still living, not years after I'm dead."
His Holiness laughed again, "Well, we Popes can manage a miracle or two..."
And so, shortly after Goh returned from the
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THE ASSASINATION OF LEEGOHLOONG
Lee Kuan Yew, Goh Chok Tong and Lee Hsien Loong were meeting, significantly, without Tony Tan.
Lee said, "You know, for decades, I have employed the Stealth Technique to impose a de facto dictatorship, or creeping dictatorship. That is why, although we have courts, they deliver verdicts I want or they know I want. That is why, also, although we have General Elections, the voters cannot choose an alternative government, only a token opposition. But the people have been getting restless of late, as my spies tell me, and so we have to impose dictatorship outright, to abolish Parliament, suspend the Constitution and rule by Decree, just the three of us, which really means the two of us, Father and Son."
And so, Brigadier-General Lee went to prepare for the military coup.
However, the few Democrats left in
So they found three good men willing to do the job. (Note: the assassination was to remove 'asses-in-nation').
The First Assassin was briefed on his target, Lee Kuan Yew. "Head or Body Shot?" he asked. Lee had had heart surgery, so a Body Shot in the vicinity of the heart might do the job, it was decided.
The Second Assassin was given Lee Hsien Loong. "Head or Body Shot?" he asked. It was well known that he had produced an albino, so he was probably defective in the genital region, and a Shot there might do the job.
The Third Assassin was given Goh Chok Tong. "Head or Body Shot?" he asked. Goh was not known to have any bodily defects like the other two and so it would have to be a Head Shot. "But you'd have to use an armour-piercing shell, as he is known to have a very dense skull."
The three Assassins left to prepare for the attempt. They would have chance for only one shot before the bodyguards throw up a defensive shield and counter-attacked.
So, at the Launching Ceremony for the new book by Han Fook Kwang, Warren Fernandez and Sumiko Tan entitled "Lee, Goh and Loong: Great Asian Leaders and Statesmen of the World", the three Assassins fired their one shot each.
Unknown to them, Lee, during his heart surgery had had his heart moved away from its usual position. His heart was not in the right place. So the bullet missed the heart and did little damage.
The Assassin's bullet aimed for the groin of Lee Hsien Loong also missed its target because, unknown to the Assassin, Hsien Loong had a very tiny penis and testicles so small he had practically no balls.
As for the Third Assassin, the armour-piercing bullet penetrated the skull but missed its target because Goh's brain was only the size of a walnut and almost impossible to hit.
Thus, the three men survived and so it was Democracy that died.
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DO THE LEES DESERVE HEAVEN?
Lee Kuan Yew died of heart failure on the same day his son died of lymphoma.
They arrived at the Pearly Gates together where St Peter was busy processing a queue longer than the jam at the Causeway.
When at last, it came to their turn, the Lees, unaccustomed to waiting for anything in their earthly lives, testily demanded entrance to Heaven: "We ruled Singapore efficiently for many decades, from father to son, except for a brief period when we let Goh take nominal charge to make it seem like there wasn't any nepotism," said the duo.
"I can see that," replied St Peter, peering at his records with the myopia of most Singaporeans, "But I'm afraid that is not enough. It is not whether you exercise power but how you exercise power. You see, God is a democrat and so I cannot let you in."
The Lees protested, "We may be dictators but we've never caused anybody to die. Surely we qualify for Heaven?" St Peter peered at his records again and said gently, "I'm sorry. You two caused the death of Loong's first wife. According to my records, she committed suicide because she couldn't face you two for giving birth to an albino. If you had not believed so strongly in inherited qualities, she wouldn't have died. You see, qualities are not inherited but God-given. So I can't let you two in."
"But we don't want to go to Hell to suffer for all Eternity," cried the hapless Father and Son.
"Oh, no. It isn't like that at all. There's no fire and brimstone. That's just propaganda like your Straits Times constant propaganda against all that you two deem bad. You two will enjoy Hell because you see, there's no difference between Heaven and Hell. Heaven is simply a place where the good are comfortable and feel happy while Hell is simply where the bad feel at home. And when you think about it, isn't it a greater damnation for the bad to feel at home in Hell, far more damning than fire and brimstone?" said St Peter.
And so the Lees went to Hell, where they met most of their families, friends and associates, and lived happily ever after.
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ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
At a Computer Show in World Trade Center, Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong was taken on a tour of the Show after officially opening it. He was taken to see what was Deep Blue, now modified (into an IBM Model 91SO) to perform more 'serious' tasks.
Deep Blue's manager proudly explained the new program the supercomputer was running, an Artificial Intelligence program called "Oracle" which, with a database of 91 million possible answers accessed by parallel processors, can answer any question with near-human responses.
Goh was intrigued. He sat down at the computer and, using two fingers, laboriously typed out his first question, "I wish I can be as great a Prime Minister as Lee Kuan Yew, can I?"
The supercomputer micro-blinked through its huge database of 91 million strings accessed by a sophisticated search engine, to print out these words, "Some are chosen for what they have and others are chosen for what they have not."
The manager was a little embarrassed for Goh although Goh didn't seem to understand it and so the manager said quickly, "How about trying another question, Mr Goh?"
So Goh typed again, laboriously, "I wish I am as smart as Yong Pung How so I won't be trapped in cross-examinination again by QCs like George Carman."
Deep Blue's reply came almost immediately, "Those who have not misses not what they have not."
Goh pondered that one slowly, "I don't understand the reply. Perhaps I should try an easier question."
And so he typed, "Can I continue to eat my favourite Black Pepper Steak in view of the recent report that eating beef can lead to CJD brain loss in humans?"
And the great computer flashed the reply, "Sure, you dummy. You cannot lose what you never had in the first place!"
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